OK,
I have been pushing a fellow cancer survivor to get back to writing
in their blog, and the hypocrisy is getting the best of me. So here
we go. I have to admit I have held off on this update. Karen and I
intended to send out a big post on the one year celebration date but
I just didn't want to. I know how big a deal this one year
anniversary was, but this one year marker also brings the
acknowledgment that I am just about at the end of my recovery. Things
may still improve a bit over time, but it is very likely that this is
it. The way things are today is most likely the way they will be for
the rest of my life. Now I am ever so grateful that I have a life to
live and I understand how truly lucky I am. I just had always hoped
to return to my old self and it looks like things will be a bit more
different than I had expected. For that reason I have been reluctant
to stand up and cheer over this mile-stone for what it really is. It
has already been a few weeks, and I am feeling better about my new
status, but I have always been able to push my body and although it
might hurt a bit afterwords it would respond as needed. I took great
pride in that status and my abilities. It was a “mind over matter”
issue for me 26.2 mile run, rim to rim Grand Canyon trek, 24 hour
mountain bike race, bring it on. Now I can push but it’s my body,
not my mind, that controls things. So I am grateful for all that I am
capable of and the fact that I am simply alive and here today, I just
wanted things to be a bit different- maybe better? Now I am not
asking for any pity here, I am just explaining my feelings. I am
still going out and trying, in fact I just did a tandem sky dive jump
with my niece last weekend. I am no longer able to jump solo, but
still able to “do it”. We will just have to see what the future
holds, there are always new meds and procedures that come about
everyday. Maybe my million dollar man remake is not over yet. This all
fits a motto that I adopted a few years ago from a move. The saying
is “ I'm going to give up this body someday to someone but they'll get it used” and I still intend to follow that motto to the
fullest.
Tony
